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Nothing Works The Way The Satanic Temple Thinks It Does

I’m exhausted. Every Satanist, abortion activist and clinic escort I know is exhausted. Because, once again, abortion rights are under attack in America, and once again, The Satanic Temple has elbowed their way to the front of the discourse with wild claims, specious reasoning, and a concerningly frantic “only we can fix this” narrative. The state of Texas has, effectively banned abortions in all but language and has been signaled by the 6-3 conservative Supreme Court that it will be allowed to do so with impunity, despite Roe v. Wade still standing, for now. The law as written circumvents Roe v. Wade and federal restrictions on enforcement by empowering citizen…

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Satanists Can Purge Their Christian Past Through Unbaptisms

The process of unbaptism is becoming more popular—you may have heard of it before, or even been invited to an unbaptism party or ceremony. For many people this brings up a few important questions: What exactly is an unbaptism? Why would someone choose to have it done? Is unbaptism just for Satanists, or can anyone be unbaptized? First, I think we should talk about why a traditional Christian baptism is criticized by many Satanists. As I performed many unbaptisms over the last four years, I’ve learned that there are a variety of reasons that Satanists and non-Satanists alike are critical of having this ceremony performed on them in infancy. I…

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Snake Oil and Fake Latin: The Satanic Coronavirus Grift

Satanists like to be experts. Arrogance is baked right in; you don’t just tell God to fuck off to His face without at least a little hubris. From knowledge comes certainty, and from certainty, confidence. Confidence is sexy, and above all, Satanists like to feel sexy. But few things are as genital-withering as the insecurity of diseased pride. Just a toe’s length beyond the line of cool confidence lies a simpering Dunning-Krugerism, a common-as-dirt impulse to assert yourself as an authority no matter how uninformed or unprepared you might be. There is the assumption that just because people are listening, you must have something to say. The Satanic Temple has…

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Lupercalia Is Awesome But It Isn’t A Satanic BDSM Holiday

In its bid to prove itself a “real religion” to the city of Scottsdale, Arizona for the purpose of a lawsuit, The Satanic Temple rolled out an assemblage of slapped-together “holidays” that was unquestioningly adopted by its more sycophantic members while being roundly criticized by others. While some are inane like “Your Birthday”, or self-aggrandizing like the Temple’s “Founding Day”, perhaps the most unfortunate and inexplicable inclusion is the ancient Roman fertility and purification festival Lupercalia. Consequently, Lupercalia has been billed by this increasingly-horny sect as a holiday celebrating BDSM, bodily autonomy, even asexuality as an afterthought when ace Temple members complained about this becoming an overtly heteronormative porkfest. Lupercalia…

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Hail Yourself!: A Satanic Monument to Mediocrity

Satanists have yet to master the art of monument building. I won’t name and shame here, but there’s the high quality one inexplicably featuring children, the military-themed birdbath, and there’s even one that looks like a reindeer-themed Christmas ornament sculpted from mashed potatoes, known lovingly in some circles as “Mashomet”. Perhaps the most insidious monument to Satanic mediocrity however, is a simple two-word mantra: Hail yourself! I know, I recently told you that your creased Party City robes aren’t good enough, and now I’m trying to take away a ubiquitous part of Satanic t-shirt culture, but before thy jimmies are rustled, let me be really clear about the following point:…

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Raising the Bar for Satanic Aesthetics in an Era of Cringe

Ritual altar from Crossroads Assembly

Growing up during the Satanic Panic of the 1980s, I had a terrible fear of, and fascination with, “devil worshippers”. I never had to guess what Satanic aesthetics might look like, every adult in my life was happy to warn me. They wear black and red robes, pointy beards and other tedious, novelty facial hair. Other details changed to conform to the protean fears of white middle class parents: they might try to sell me drugs, or listen to heavy metal music, or, my personal favorite, entice me to play Dungeons & Dragons. Satanists were transformed into a terrifying bogeyman, central characters in playground superstition. We knew all about them,…

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